Spirituality

Leaving Our Egypt- A Path Unknown

~ myslipwaspink ~ Leave a comment
Wilderness or promised land?

You have been freed!

Hurry, because the slaves are leaving fast,

Having cheated the angel of death upon your doorstep.

At least for the moment . . . 

But there is a deadly new plague on the horizon.

Covid-19. 

Did your mystical God wreak the virus upon us?

I thought he was perhaps more powerful than our idols.

Hurry before Pharaoh changes his mind.

Or your people cower and decide to stay.

Bring only the essentials.

A dry unleavened cracker,

And vial of my hot magenta lipstick

Pharaoh’s wife cried.

Hurry my slave. 

Take your plagues with you!

Bring your sickness, destruction, and death.

You must leave the house of your birth.

Do not look behind.

Set out in the blackness, to wander an unknown path.

Will it be a barren wilderness? 

Or a promised land?

Can the promise of new life, 

Be sweeter than the safety of past misery?

As you stand on this beacon of light, 

Do you have the fortitude to step forward?

Go! You must hurry before you hesitate.

And fear to leave the tomb of your mind.

The Broken Easter Bunny

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From the chards of the chocolate Easter bunny and matzo crumbs come surrender.

The bunny was broken! Yet, he stood for sale in the window of Duane Reade with a noticeable gash. Maybe the store clerk didn’t notice that the confection had been maimed. It flew in the face of what we expect on Easter Day, this ancient rite of spring — garish hats decked with birds and flowers, perky marshmallow Peeps, and new pastel pumps. 

But then again, this was no normal holiday. Over the past months, humanity has been fleeing one another, only hoping to be spared from a modern-day plague. 

All at once, it hit me. Here was the perfect metaphor in a chain store window. It’s about me.I feel hollow and bruised like the boxed-in bunny. Frightened of slipping down the rabbit hole. My underpinnings have been torn away. I am fatigued from hoarding toilet paper and wee wee pads. Exhausted trying to figure out where this will all end.

All at once, the bunny spoke to me. “Yes, I am not perfect. I bring the parts of me that have been shattered and gutted to the full beauty of life’s experience. And so will you.” I stood dumbfounded on a painful Easter Day as I contemplated my broken humanity.

The Snowy Valentine

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I know we are not the same as when I came to my forever home seven years ago. Over the past year, my fur has turned snowy white. I blend into the pale comforter on the bed. My little face is wizened like a very old woman. I know when you look at me, you see a mirror image of yourself- your older reflection staring back, only through my still-loving, and devoted brown eyes. You do not hide or cover up my soft, silvery strands the way a humans does, trying to preserve the last shreds of youth. 

I have loved you more with each year that has passed. Old canine love is special—Each day is a precious gift as life fades away. I know you are taking more pictures of me. Even when I’m asleep. (You think I don’t notice, but I do…) You never complain about my many accidents. I dotry to go on the paper. I’m not able to stand on my paws for a bath, so you hold me in your water soaked arms. And our many trips to the vet—I perk up for those occasions so the doctor won’t worry about me. 

You don’t leave me alone nearly as much. I’m getting many more belly rubs. And you bring out my old favorite squeaky toys to try to renew my puppyhood When we walk outside you are behind me to gently hoist me up the stairs. Or to carry me. 

I don’t have to bark for you, my human. You are just there. I am your snowy Valentine. And you are mine. We are old dogs together. I wrap my paw around your hand. And there it will rest for the remainder of our journey.

You are my snowy Valentine

New Year’s Hope

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vincent-branciforti-506716-unsplash

I slammed my prayer book shut.

During the Selichot service, I was reciting the penitential poems and prayers leading up to Jewish high holidays. It was the time of contemplation that started a week before Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, through Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. 

Where am I?  My annual report to God revealed a steep crash.

I reflected on the past year. In a fit of misery last January. I quit my “career” as an adjunct professor. The low pay, demanding workload, and lack of respect left me feeling depressed.  I had feelings of worthlessness, as well as a life of impending poverty. It’s academia’s dirty little secret. Teaching is the new Wal-Mart for highly educated professionals cast out of corporate jobs. With the savings on tenured professors salaries, institutions of higher learning can invest in what’s truly important. Football stadiums. Do you know who’s educating your children in the hallowed halls of academia?  It’s most probably, a beleaguered adjunct living out of her car. Yet, upon leaving, I felt a loss of identity. Sadly, I started out wanting to make a difference.

Soon after, I became ill.  First severe bronchitis, and then the flu, the mega strain that’s had been floating around the country (as well as South Korea.) The dreaded Noro disease– known as the poop and puke virus. I caught it, even though hadn’t even been on a Carnival cruise. I experienced a sickness I’d never known. Migraines, stomach flu, coughing and sneezing the wracked my rib cage. Even my mind was foggy. I couldn’t walk a short block to Starbucks. No coffee and muffin for me… Most days, I lay in bed, barely able to move. And even if I could, I was highly contagious. The malaise wouldn’t leave me.

After a week, I mustered the strength to see a doctor. My internist immediately diagnosed the malady.  She instructed me not to tell a soul that I had “ the Norovirus. It would cause a panic.”

“Can’t you kill it?”

“No. Only the warm weather makes it die. But that’s only three months away. March is around the corner.”  She shrugged.

“But here must some drug!“  I pleaded. The prospect of leaving her office without a prescription terrified me.  It would be a first. Even some sugar pills in clinical trials would have allayed my fear.

“An antibiotic would make it worse.”  She grimly added, “My patients are dropping like flies. This is the death of man.”

With that cheery thought, I returned home with no antidote.  For weeks, I lay in bed listening to the drone of MSNBC —the chatter of the daily Trump show wafting by… No one was allowed to visit. I was officially infectious. I was instructed not to touch people or kitchen surfaces. A yellow HAZMAT suit was in order. My friend Dave dropped a bottle of ginger ale in front of my door and then made a run for it. The night I spiked a high fever, I called him to ask if he would take my dog should I go to the hospital. Or expire. But then I texted to say I didn’t mean it…I started sobbing.  I can go either up or down.Which is it?  Awakening isn’t for sissies.

Praying in synagogue, I had an epiphany.  The malaise went beyond a physical malady. My life didn’t feel right anymore.  Like a pair of shoes that no longer fit– attractive stilettos that suddenly cause piercing pain and blisters. My passion had slipped away. I had fallen far from who I was supposed to be.

I must have some purpose I’ve been avoiding.

Soul weariness is never sudden. I refused to heed the shrieking in my gut until it was diagnosed as reflux.

Along with the congregation, I rose and chanted an ancient prayer for forgiveness. The melody was sad and full of longing, expressing the desire to repent and change. The words cried for life’s fleetingness.  And the longing to break the cycle of our lives and change for the better.

O Lord, hear our voice in the morning; in the morning we set them before You with hopeful expectation. Hear our voice…

I pleaded, “If my soul had a GPS, where would I be?

You have fallen into a sinkhole. Shouldn’t you have “transitioned” out of it by now?  The voice inside me taunted.

I wandered into hostile foreign terrain wearing lead army boots. It felt impossible to lift my feet out of the muck.

Who’s in command? What has set me off on this fallen path?”

The answer came from my heart.  It had been ME..

Over the past year, my inner compass jabbered in Polish, or some crazy language I didn’t understand.

Divine One. Couldn’t you give me a little nudge in the right direction? Silence.

I continued standing while the rabbis changed the outfit on the Torah scrolls — from their usual taupe velvet to High Holiday white silk.  

It’s always darkest before the dawn. Next week is a new year!

Dear God,

During this period of repentance,

Help me to forgive.

Myself first.

Please restore my heart.

And return my soul.

I bear grudges.

You don’t.

Jane

P.S. Did you receive the basket of apple and honey I sent you?

 

 

 

Unimaginable Tuesday!

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Pink Moon-

History was made today. On March 8, 2018, President Trump pulled out of the Iran nuclear deal. And with Neo Conservatives as advisors… It was nice knowing you! Saudi Arabia and Israel are cheering. Well, I’m sure Iran is a bad neighbor. They want the Persians to move. And perhaps the U.S. to do the packing. Is this a struggle over Middle-East astro turf? Our allies wasted trips to the White House, handshakes, tree planting, kisses, and hugs. And more? Ugh!

Oh, and the Russians are giving Trump’s lawyer, Mark Cohen, big bucks. Which explains all of the pandering. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you!

That’s the plan.

Where are you?

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rainbowinNYC
Jane Ranzman Writer

“Where are you?”  According to the story, God’s first line in the Bible addresses the errant couple, Adam and Eve.

Now I’m not an expert on these matters, but doesn’t the Divine One have an internal GPS?

Once I got lost on the way to a dinner. I had been to my host’s house several times before, however, the bus route changed. I got off at an unfamiliar place and walked for what seemed like miles. All the streets looked unfamiliar. Finally, I walked into myself into a dead end. I called my hostess in desperation. She asked, “Where are you?” And the truth was I had no idea. And the truth was I had no idea. If I could tell her, my friend would have been able to find me. I hobbled to the subway on my kitten heels.

That night started me thinking. I asked myself, ” Where am I?”

Because you need to know where you are before you can receive direction on where you’re supposed to be.

 

Stiletto Heels In The Sand (Based on Footprints in the Sand, Mary Stevenson)

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One starry night a fallen New York yuppie dreamed…

I was hobbling along barefoot in a desert with the Lord, “Enough of this walking. Couldn’t you at least point me toward a Hyatt? What I wouldn’t give for a pair of those ugly biblical sandals at a time like this.” I couldn’t see anything, but I knew something divine was hovering around.

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The dark sky flashed pink as rosy haze suddenly rolled across the sky, and the happiest moments of my life were projected onto the billowing clouds.

“Look there’s mom. She held a tray of pink birthday cupcakes entering my bedroom in Seaside. That was our tradition. Cupcakes for breakfast.” Six candles were a blaze as she sang “Happy Birthday.” She was so young and beautiful and her eyes were full of love. I watched them turned to hate as her dementia progressed.

“There I am! A pudgy cherub with big brown eyes and pigtails.” Mr. Pierre, our family poodle, gobbled a glob of pink icing from my tiny hand.

I marched forward on this strange pilgrimage on the burning sand, carefully, placing one foot in front of the other. I noticed two pairs of footsteps were fixed in the sand, despite the wind. “ How strange. There’s no one here but me. Maybe it’s a hallucination. Emergency need for bottled sparkling water.”

A basket of daisies flashed across the clouds. I had just gotten into Harvard College. That’s the code my mother and I had. Now the bells of Memorial Hall were chiming. I was throwing my cap high in the air as a new graduate. Now, that was a day. I recalled how the four years flew by. The images flashed at an accelerated rate.

“Hey, slow down. I can’t make out the pictures. I’m trudging along with no shoes–not even a kitten heel. Without a yak or a camel and I have no desert apparel.” I saw bits and pieces of cherished objects, but they quickly faded— the precious painting of the Impressionist beach scene in my apartment, my dog’s worn polka dot harness, foggy pink eyeglasses thrown haphazardly next to the kitchen sink, great-grandmother’s Fiegle’s tarnished Sabbath candles that I never lit, an antique cobalt blue glass box, a rhinestone evening bag in the shape of a Yorkie, mother’s old tortoise shell powder compact. I looked down at the sand and saw two sets of footsteps. Maybe I’ll run into two pairs of Prada pumps to fill them. Size 6. Only one pair would do….

Now there were flashes of people I loved. Only the outlines of faces, but I knew who they were. Fleeting glimpses of family and friends. I wanted to stay with them a moment, and hold on to the feelings they evoked. But the phantasms zoomed across the haze as I continued my arid journey. A searing pain pierced my chest. Loss. Life goes so quickly. Maybe I didn’t pay enough attention.

I gasped, seeing my most horrible memory flicker through the heavens. It was lowest point in my life. I stood on the icy earch before my mother’s grave on a freezing January day holding a small prayer book. The Lord is my Shepard. I shall not want. I had the realization that my life was forever changed. How would I live through losing a part of myself? I drifted through years of acute grief, darkness, and fear. “Lord, why didn’t you at least make a cameo appearance? Now, I am left wandering.” I looked down for relief and saw a solitary pair of footsteps.

“Whatever it was, disappeared when I needed company the most. ” I felt a familiar tinge of abandonment.

I suddenly looked up and saw a Western Wall in Jerusalem against the backdrop of a pink sky. I was sobbing and praying. My hands were placed across the cool stones hoping for healing. I was at a crossroads in my life. I had gotten a pink slip from my job during the recession and had no prospects. My mother was ailing. Prince Charming’s glass slipper was cracked. I wondered how on earth did I get here? I had fallen and felt alone in the universe. I needed a sign. Was there anything or anyone or out there that heard our prayers? My heart was broken open. And there it was with perfect clarity. A pink slip was curled into a crevice above me in the Western Wall. There it was like mistletoe above me. My prayers were heard. What had been an icon of loss had become a symbol of grace.

“I must get out of this dream.” I looked down at the solitary trail of footsteps. “So Lord, when things are really tough, you take off to your vacation home.”

I heard a voice within me whisper, “Listen sweetie, YOU can only walk in in stiletto heels. Who do you think has been schlepping you?”

 

The Language of Pink

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Jane Ranzman Author
My Slip Was Pink-From Loss To Spiritual Growth

I always had a thing for pink. The color is soft and fluffy like cotton candy. Girly-girl and romantic. We’re trained to love it from our first little pink shoes to pink nightly. Pink tastes like the fairy icing on my birthday cakes, feels like warm baths with Mr. Bubbles, and smells like a fresh tube of baby doll lipstick.  I fondly remember many of the pink things that have made my life beautiful,

  • My pink tutu and ballet slippers that I wore every day for a full year when I was nine (even though I was a hopeless dancer)
  • Mother’s pink feather boa (that wasn’t just pulled out on Halloween)
  • My Barbie car
  • Magenta silk pumps that made me feel like a vixen
  • Pink drinks that end with a -tini
  • Monogramed stationary adorned with pink cupcakes
  • Matching pink sweetheart nails and toenails
  • Our pink poodle, Mr. Pierre. Mother spray-painted his tail for her Pink Fink Party. Everything was, what else, Pink!

The color has always made me feel happy. And bold. A “Jane” that was authentic and light. So it made sense that God started to talk to me in the “language of pink.” First, I was handed my pink slip. Then, I saw slips of pink paper everywhere.

For example, one  blue day, I found a tiny plastic pink heart in the cracked pavement of a New York City street.  Another morning, it was pouring rain. I was late for work and missed the elevator. Standing outside the building getting drenched, I was annoyed having to wait.By the time the next elevator came, it was packed. The dripping crowd pushed their way into the small space with soggy umbrellas, coats, bags, and all.

Staring at the ground. I noticed a pair of  smooth pink toe shoes pointed in “first position.” I looked up to see a young ballerina, around five years old. She was dressed from head to toe in a burst of pink— tutu, ballet shoes, tiara, and umbrella. Her mother cooed in the background, “Gemma dear, hold my hand.”  I blinked. Gemma is the name of the protagonist in “My Slip Was Pink.”  How could that be a coincidence?

I believe that a spiritual force communicated with me in an encouraging way. It seemed to urge me to continue this book, even when I was disheartened, as well as through many hardships. The worst of all was the loss of my mother. Even so, there was “pink” in the challenges and changes. I learned we can find  beauty and grace in the language of pink.

Looking back on my life, I understand, my Slip Was ‘Pink.’